Sunday, August 20, 2006

hell week...

Be warned this is really long and it well It is sad. But, this is me this is what made me who I am now.. and here is what happened

For everyone that knows me and I MEAN KNOWS ME not just knows me .. KNOW S the real me the deep down me the one that scares even myself sometime (dont worry I am harmless) yall know this is the week. This is the week I go into my cave and think of what if and how could it have been different IF I had kept my daddy on the phone for 10 more minutes. FOr those of you that know me You know that for the longest time and maybe still just a little I blamed myself for my daddy getting killed yes I know to some of you that sounded crazy. BUt I believe this or not I KNOW YOU WILL BE SHOCKED but I can be somewhat selfish at times. HA I know your falling out from the shock right now so I will allow you a moment to get yourself back up. I hide behind my humor alot but it is what gets me through all this maybe I am a little crazy OK ALOT but who woudlnt be for all we have been through. The story goes like this. 11 years ago today I found out my ex husband had been horifically bad amongst all proportions. HE committed the big sin of cheating on me I tried to get him to go to counceling but he turned it all around it was me blah blah you know the drill typical battered wife sad story. THIS story is not about him I dont want it about him that is another whole sad story but he was bad he was a batterer.. he was mean he was nasty. But,HE was a cop But that is not this story ...

My dad was a Deputy sherriff. I idolized my father I was, if you looked up daddys girl in the dictionary MY FACE was sitting there smiling with the halo on top of my head. I had a rough childhood, was in a bad car accident stayed sick alot ROUGH meaning I was sick alot not that I was abused or anything like that by any means I had a great childhood my parents loved me I thought my daddy hung the moon he did no wrong he walked on water in my eyes IF daddy said it then it was in Genesis or Matthew cuz it was written DADDY said..
I left my husband My daddy was 100% behind me and was meeting me that day that horrible day August the 28th, at 5 30 at the lawyers office to sign the papers. I would be the first person in my entire family to get a divorce. Oh how I hated that.I was so ashamed WHY did this have to happen, I did everything I COULD to make that man love me but he just didnt, My daddy told me GET YOUR crapp and GET OUT before he kills you. It was 12:00 lunch time and daddy knew I was about to go to lunch so he called me real quick TO make sure I was ok. We talkd every day at lunch and then every night before I went to bed. BEYOND clockwork. I was having such a hard time with this and was even on medication because all I did was cry all t he time. I was ina demanding job with a communications company and was doing VERY well except for mentally, a bad marriage was destroying my life.. So I thought. ... Little did I know what was about to take place in 18 minutes. Less than half an hour away was THE moment that would change my life forever. Daddy was on the phone making sure I was still gonna meet him at 5 30 at the lawyers office he told me where to go because I was so scared and wanted to know IF I wanted him to just come pick me up and I told him no I have to do this. I felt like he was bailing me out he said NO IM NOT Im just going with you to make sure you dont make bad decisions and you cant go through this alone. cuz that is the kind of daddy he was. He was about to go to lunch and needed to go and I had another call coming in so I told him daddy I love you. and HE always said Love ya babe when he hung up, This time he said it is going to be ok I lov eyou Nancy. I was like i love you too daddy byee already. thent hought that was weird cuz he didnt do the luvyabaBE like we always do. dismissed it and took the call it was the a hole gosh I got off the phone with my dad for the jerk what did he want.. more arguing so I was like IM late for lunch i need to go he was like OK bye. well I ran some errands didnt eat lunch as usual and came back to work had like 20 messages on my desk I was like good lord what now figured it was the Ahole calling. No it was my sister in law. I was thinking good gracious what is going on she never calls me at work. I call her back she said GET IN YOUR CAR go to the hospital Im going huh why? I feel fine ...I dont need a hospital she siad NO it is your daddy well I fell into my chair im like WHAT do yoU MEAN DADDY. I screamed this and everyone was staring at me she said he has been in an accident and That I need to go to the hospital. THoughts flooded me like the gates opened I envisioned a wreck somethign horrid she said no it was an escaped convict daddy was at lunch he has been stabbed IM like WHAT??? ARE YOU ON DRUGS what the hell are you talking about I didnt believe her "I JUST TALKED TO HIM are you DERRANGED??? WHat did you take?" she said no she just talked to the sherriffs dept where he worked "nancy GO NOW "so I hung up on her. SHe called back and got my boss's secretary. Who walked over to me cuz I was sitting in a heap on the floor picking up some papers I threw while yelling at my sister in law. What was she talking about. why woudl she say this. Sonja myu boss's secreatary came to me and said Nancy it is true. OMg I broke loose in a run to the truck she said NO take my car she drove me I was in no shape to drive... I stopped and looked at her I said ITS too late he is dead she said"WHAT how do you know" I said "I just know. " I was a heap of tears...
Well we flew to the hospital I was on the phone the entire time making calls trying to make sense of this I called a hole he was at work he had heard about it I screamed at him he said he was coming to the hospital I didnt want him there but he came anyway which NOW I am kinda glad cuz I thought he had done it but NO he didnt but I knwo how horrible of me to think that at first but i did with all the rage we had at each other. I jumped out of the car before it comepletely stopped (sonja I will never forget you for that day I love you and thank you still) Sonja was like" Nancy wait your purse and where do I go Im like I have no idea I will ask one of these 5 thousand policeman that are standing here... "That is what happens when a cop is killed in line of duty they ALL come to the hospital. I get to the door and see my friend shannon's daddy who is also a deputy. and Shannon works with me HEr dad grabs me said OMG its Nancy. He knew it was about to get ugly. HE said" Nancy Im sorry we tried to save him I said what the F *** do you mean "( I still cant believe I said the F word to shannons daddy)"what doyou meanYOU tried where is he LET ME IN where is my daddy". I was pounding his chest he grabbed me and just cried I was liek omg this is bad and he said nancy "he is gone"
I lost it I fell to the ground. he picked me up said "YOur mother is inside" I shoved past him and this HUMONGOUS cop that was standing guard who grabbed me and I kicked and bucked and yelled "YOU f****g idiot THAT IS MY DADDY IN THERE YOU LET ME GO YOU bastard let me go "and was kicking and flailing. shannons daddy screamed "LET GO OF HER that is his daughter." I ran down the hall him tryin to catch me I see a room the sherriff is standing at the door my mother and my family inside my mommy is sitting ina chair I slid down like I slid into second base many times in the past (just not in liz claiborn heals and adolf suit) and landed face in her lap. SHe said GET THE DR in here now. SHe said "Nancy, they killed him your daddy is dead." I screamed at the top of my lungs NO! NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO you are lying to me I hate you all you are lying. The dr walked in gave me a shot. I sat for what seemed like an eternity thinking no he is meeting me at the lawyers office he cant be dead this isnt happening. This is not happening this is a dream yes a dream IM going to wake up any minute and it will be ok.

The rest comes and goes in a blur.

A kid escaped from a drug rehab and stole a vehicle after stealing a knife from Winn dixie, daddy just happened to pass the guy recognise the vehicle and was closest to him and be the one to pull him over. HE stabbed my daddy 15 times to his death. They caught him 5 miles up the road in a cotton field where he had stabbed himself in the stomach to commit suicide. IT didnt work he is still friggin alive and well butin jail for life. This kid who was 2 years younger than myself.
At 12 18 pm August 28th 1995 changed my life forever. The worst thing to ever happen in my life. This THING of a human took my daddy.

We went through the motions of the funeral. We had press releases We had people everywhere We had cameras tv crews it was like a circus.. I was numb.. my entire life was gone what did I have left. I refused to eat I mean HOW COULD I eat. We went through all the investigations and on top of this the scene of the crime was 3 miles from my house... I passed it almost daily. my daddy was buried 5 miles the other way. I couldnt escape but I didnt want to I would go late at night to my daddys grave and jsut lay there crying beating the ground. why did this happen.
I look back on all this now and yes it does seem so dramatic. and yes I was so full of rage and anger maybe that is why it was so dramatic. We went through the trial. I sat from pitchers mound to home plate from the guy that horrifically murdered my father. I have wheeled a softball fast enough to rip his head off, in my imagination during that trial so many times..One of the things my daddy was proud of me for. I could play some ball. and here I sat in a court room the sherriff at my left between me and my brother .. his deputy on my right and well a WHOLE row of deputies in front of us standing between us and this excuse for a human,. Ya see I screamed at him in passing that i would kill him for what he did and HIs day would come Id tear his head off and shove it down his corpse. I was so full of hate fo rthis kid. They were scared I would do something to hurt myself or get me in trouble. I was so full of hate. I yelled at him did HE KNOW what he did? HE TOOK my daddy away from me... and cried in a heap yeah that is how dangerous I was.

I was so misplaced in my life. I ran from everyone that wanted to help me I wouldnt eat and became almost anorexic, I ran,I continued with the divorce (which was actually a good thing) I ran from GOd I ran from my family I ran from myself. I buried the pain of losing my dad deep. but not my hate for the guy that did it.
IT took me lots OF therapy and LOTS of pain and LOTS of sleepless nights to get to where I am now 11 years later. TO this day many nights I close my eyes and I see that kids face. I relive it in my dreams. Maybe that i why I never sleep... I dunno but I ran till one day I HAD TO deal with this.
NOW at 36.. IT still hurts. I sometimes feel like I am three and want to crawl into his lap and put my head on his chest to hear his heart. He would say "You hear that? Thats yours..... "I wanna hear whats mine!!! It still burns to my soul and I will never have that piece of my heart back. even so many GOOD things though have happened and Yes I do account my daddy being in heaven for part of it. THe braves won the world series the year he died... Coincidence? I think not (have yall seen them play??? you will know it was a miracle) that happened RIGHT after he died HE was their number one fan! SO we say it was him a sign he was ok and in heaven. lol

All this week I will tell you the good stuff the sweet things and HOW I Know my daddy is still here. We will celebrate him with comical stories I have so many! I KNOW HE is watching and is still giving his little girl happiness every day. From sending me butterflies by the thousands.. and weird flowers that bloom when they arent suppose to and a beautiful little girl's wink that looks just like him, little phrases she says that only he and I knew, we shared. Her beautiful eyes that are just like his. her wit and charm well SHE GETS THAT FROM ME (hahaha) yes I have my daddys wit and charm as well. but most of all... HE sent me John. John saved my life. My husband my love my best friend. I KNOW my daddy sent him and his family to me. I am forever grateful to them and him for all the Love and support they show me and for being my family.
BUT most of all My John. I love you and thank you ... Without you I would have died long time ago because when I didnt care enough about my self to live You cared enough for both of us. Thank you for pulling me out of my self hate and the shell of what I was to be able to laugh and smile and love and share this beautiful daughter that we have, and our life. Thank you.

Thank you if you read all of this today. I know It is long but it is me... You now know something alot of people not even some of my family members know. Weird how the words just flow out of us for sometimes strangers. THis week is always hard for me and my family but this year will be different. I say that every year. But This will be the first year I will be away from home. Away from the site where it happened at not laying at his grave. Please remember my mother in your prayers. SHe still as you can imagine has bad times too. she is so strong I dont see how she does it.
Here is the link to the memorial the Sherriffs Department has for my daddy. I want to make a better one. Some day when I can. Ya know it is kinda funny... its been 11 years this year do you know I have 1 scrapbook page on this well actually 2 I have one I did of bella blowing bubble kisses to papaw... and then the one where the 10 year anniversary was in the paper.. those are the only two, I have every news paper clipping I even have grass from the scene of the accident. but I have yet to scrap it..... Maybe this year.....

Memorium The last one on the page.

I love you daddy... and I miss you!


*Jeanne* said...

Tears are streaming down my face as I write this. I am so sorry. I do know what it is like to loose a father. Yep truly do.

So us daddy's girls need to stick together as they watch down on us.


Kim - ScrapToMyLu said...

Nancy, This is such a horrible horrible thing that happened to your family. Losing my father to Cancer was hard enough, but losing him to a horrific crime would be hard to come back from. I am so sorry. You don't deserve all this pain. I am so glad you have John and Bella now to help keep your focus on the good in life.
I hope this week is better for you than last year at this time. Maybe if you start a tradition, something that is positive in remembering your daddy. ????
Maybe that will help your heart.

Kara Jones said...


I'm so sorry that your Daddy was ripped out of your life this way. I wish I knew of a way for you to deal with it better, but I don't. I pretty much shut down on the week my daughter died and it's been almost 17 years... there are some losses too great to get over.

My brother is also a Deptuty and I worry every day about this kind of thing, but this is the life he chose...