Your gonna put that WHERE???!!!!???

Ok so I go to the dr. Im in IMMENCE pain. Blood pressure 124 over 99 pain the kind of pain that you experience with say CHILDBIRTH. I cant even sit on my rear cuz everything else downt here hurts too bad. THey call me back and they give me this WONDERFUL shot called nubane. and after that IM like COOOl we can go home I feel so much better IM FINE. they are like ughmm NO we have to do ct scan and some other thing whihc is fancy name for an x ray. SO we go do that I feel fine no worries. I get back the dr is shaking his head.. We cant find any stones. There is no stones in there and your urine really doesnt look that bad yeah it has some blood in it but not what we woudl expect so Im liek OK so what the he** is making me hurt so *&Y^#@ bad! mind you it has been like 4 hours and the WONDERFUL shot they gave me is wearing off again. HE said I dunno we wont blame it on kidneys so I said OK how do you explain the THE AUTOMOBILE THAT IS COMING OUT OF MY PRIVATE PARTS? he just kinda laughs (dont you love it when they do that) so he says we will do a sterile urine sample. Im thinking OK what you gonna do BOIL ME FIRST? OH lord I had no idea. she comes in here with this metal pic Im notkidding you it looks liek that thing you scrape the inside of nuts (no pun guys) pecans and walnuts out when you shell them. SO im like hmm that is interesting and she has a cup. IM like Ok. SO she says lean back and put yoru feet in the stirrups IM like what stiruups why do I need stirrups. ans she grabs the pick IM like UGHMM Nononono wait aminute YOUR GONNA DO WHAT? you are putting that WHERE? she says this may hurt a little but im gonna put some lidocaine on it first IM like "WHAT THE *&^%$ you better put ALOT of lidocaine on it and lets just talk about this a second lady you are telling me you are gonna do "WHOOOAAAH OWWW HEY HEY HEY now wait a minute HEY that oh man nononono that is SOOO jsut.... wrong!" and then she is like whistling .. I gues s that is what you do when YOU ARE KILLING SOMEONE you whistle! she is like Oh Ill drain your bladder while im in there IM thinking OH SURE just for kicks go ahead... why not, so after she is done and im trying to unpucker my butt and uncurl my toes. she says well you know I think that stone could have been so low it didnt pick it up and you do have a really bad infection your so red. Im thinking RED??? RED?? YEAH ITS CALLED BLOOOD YOU JUST shoved a PIC AX somewhere that it dont go lady. SO anyway I felt alot better (once the drugs once again took effect) and not reasured cuz the dr was like well we will try to grow this in the lab and see what kind of infection it is and well, come back on Monday... OK YEAH RIGHT. That is what I wanna do. HOLY CRAPPOLA. they did give me more pain med.. which Im like I wont need this if youKNOW what is wrong and fix it! so anyway it dont hurt as bad when I p but good lord. I DONT want to hear the word urolgist again THAT IS THE EVIL dr. They could get secrets out of ALqueda with that torture device I assure you! Im off to go write 50 times I WILL NOT EVER DRINK COKE AS LONG AS I LIVE... and cry