Saturday, May 20, 2006

creating the monster.. or at least contributing

have I created a monster or what... I was going to take pictures of her helping me set out our tomatoes when she said her infamous like "bella be wight back" that can never be good. Instead she comes back with HER camera. Its a princess camera doesnt take real pictures but we can pretend right? I laughed my heart out at how stinkin cute she was squatting down like I do to get on her level and take pictures. and her UNMATCHING CLothes were the perfect touch because they were all her favorites.... for that day anyway. SHE LOVES those flip flops. Wants to wear them with everything. I jut cant help at grinning at these photos and cannot wait for the page to come. I forgot we have "last chance" photos for the church directory today (grrrrrrr) lovely after having shingles WOnder If I could just wear a bagover my head and body.... gotta go find something that fits. cant they just draw in circles and stick figures and sayit is us... we know what we look like. sigh...... now the hunt begins..w hat to wear. this ought to be fun.

Thats Nancy WITH A Jones

Thats Nancy WITH A Jones SO what do you do... You have a death in the family... people act crazy.. You know you need to go in your heart you feel you need to pay your respects but... obstacles are in the way. I know he is right, my husband.. and my best interest is in his view. IT will be a huge "jerry springer episode". BUT what do you do. DO you sit here and feel the guilt they are throwing on you or do you stay busy. DO you find stuff to do. DO you try to play with your child to keep your mind off it. I have a dr apt. on monday (I forgot) with the rheumatologist. We have been waiting for this to get in. Every time i get upset.. hubby gets mad.. YOU have test to run monday DO you want to be like it was. IM SO sick of hearing how if I get upset or if something happens Im gonna get sick. YES I KNOW IT is true but how do you not be. Life is changing. Again.... I know if I get sick the things IM looking forward to wont get to happen. BUt this is family. How do you not Be there for family. I wasnt brought up that way. BUt I KNOW I KNOW alot has happend with family. SO much around this doesnt make sense. SO much around this is is weird (why do you send a picture of the car, I mean come on guilt me for not coming? or can I be takign it wrong and it just be their weird sense of dealing ) All I know is dont call me in the middle of the night with this. IM sorry its happening, but everyone cant deal with things the same way. I cannot go alone. I wont. Dont ya think we have dealt with enough! The whole situation is bad. I realise that and Im so sorry for them. I mourn her. Im gonna miss her. BUt I will make my peace with her. I will visit.. next week. I wont be by myself then. I don't deal with death. IT is impossible. My husband understands that he is here for the nightmares since daddy got killed. WHY cant they see that. IM sorry for being selfish on this one. BUT I will come just not today. I can't I cant deal with it. SO I will stay busy. I want to go I feel their pain BUT I just can't not alone. I will be there all the rest of next week but then I wont be alone.