Monday, February 25, 2008
~~~~~~~~~~~~ They just called me back told me not to wait till 3 pm for my appt they are admitting me now so they can get the iv in and get me started on this medicine through iv.
Well I got good news and bad news. what you want first? it has been a suck day in a bad way. i have cried a thousand tears that this day would never come and Im really not a happy camper. the shingles in my ear have caused me to have a condition called bells palsy where my face is numb and i cant feel my nose or move the top part of my lip. but that is the good news. yeah i know im not happy abpout this either. I also knw that Im probubly butchering the spelling of this post in a bad way but they have me on alot of medication right now and im in bed. but Let me introduce to you my new best friend. The walker. yeah it has come to my attention that i cant walk too good and that im in need of this real beauty. yeah aint it cool. this is the ugliest thing i have ever seen in my life. it wrenches of nursing home and old peopel sorry if you are either one of these. but what im so upset is im 38 years old and have a 4 year old daughter that doesnt understand why her mama catn walk too good right now. my kidneys are doing some kinda number on me and messing up my legs; I am in a MAJOR lupus flare up so IF yall dont see me online that is why. I have stepped down from all my design teams for now or actually just put everything on hold parying this day woudl never come. the medicine they have me on is turning me into areal bitch even more so than normal. The dr offered me a cane and John was thinking hmm they got her on that medicine ... that may not be a good idea cuz it will extend her reach and she may beat the tar out of one of hte nurses or someone. Im probably going to be going back into the hospital tomorrow. He wanted to put me in today but we didnt have anyone to keep bella. My neighbors have the flu adn also bella is a very sensitive child. she instead of getting upset about stuff will wet her pants at school and act out and have night mares so we are trying to help my little girl come to grips with the fact that mommy is not doing good and may have to go in the hospital for a while. That mommy cant walk and her face is paralysed.
I have to tell you though as I sit here typing through the tears. How much I want to thank all of you for your prayers and to my friends that caem to visit me yesterday; That meant more to me than you will ever know in a million years. If I died tomorrow I would be so proud I had that day and KNOW these women along with my family and close friends will help me get this scrap book finished for my little girl and have her know her mommy loves her more than anything in this entire world. That she is the reason I am still here. HEr and my husbandl. which i love more than anything. I will fight his really hard and get all these picutres scrapped so help me. So any of my local friends that would like to come if your not sick, Im talking you cannot have a cold a sniffle anything, and help me scrap tehse pages I would love you forever. my goal right now is all these old photos whiel my mother is here we are going to write down who all these peopel are. so I can scrap this for Bella. IM not saying IM gonna die right now. but this is very scary to me and making alot of things more real and I know right now that I have to work hard to finish this either direction. So if any of you want to come scrap with me I cnt get out but IF YOU HAVE NO COLD NO FEVER NO SNIFFLE you can come here :)I want bella to know all about her mom. I know she is 4 and "know me" but I want her to KNOW me how I grew up who my parents were who my grandparents were everything all my cousins what i love my favorite smells. everything.
So this is my goal right now. NOT the perfect pages that get published NOT THE pages that are hanging on walls in my house. IF I happen to have one I think is really good YEAH I woudl love to send it in. My goal is and has always been to have a page in each magazine. I have accomplished most of that. but ya know what.... THIS is the real heart of scrapbooking people; THIS IS THE REAL REASON I STARTED THIS IN TEH FIRST PLACE. IM SICK and IT IS ALL FOR MY LITTLE GIRL AND MY HUSBAND AND MY FAMILY.
SO Im gonna leave you right now with this thought. IF YOU SCRAP... why do you scrap. what is the REAL REASON that you scrap. and HOW IS IT WORKING FOR YOU?
MIne isnt working so good so im gonna go crawl in my bed. Im gonna have my little girl come crawl in bed with me and we are gonna watch cinderella for the 495th time. WHY? because I LOVE to hear her sing the songs and say mommy YOU are beautiful like the fairy godmother (KNOWIN I LOOK LIEK SHREK AND SOMETHING MORE LIEK AN EXTRA IN A MICHEAL JACKSON VIDEO RIGHT NOW)
so anyway. I may not update my blog so much. I may not be on the message boards, I may not be online too much in the next while since IM undergoing all this treatment; but please pray for my husband and pray for my little girl and my mother (and that I dont get mean and hurt them because of this medicine I DONT MEAN IT I SWEAR everythng gets on my nerves with this med IM on) but they are the ones that are gonna suffer the most right now. so please keep them in yoru thoughts and prayers and well if you feel liek it I woudl appreciate a prayer for me too. Thank you all so much my online friends for keeping me distracted when Im in pain. for laughing with me and my sillyness and my boob jokes and the funny antics of my child. Thank you for crying with me when liek right now I dont understand why this is happening to me and how UNFAIR it is to my husband and little girl and my family.
If I have offended you, I hate it and im sorry. There is probably nothign I can do about it right now. But I will be honest with you. RIght now, in the grand scheme of life, THIS is just scrapbooking yeah I love it and it helped me through alot of times, but spits and spats over the little things are not important to me right now. spending time making memories with my family adn trying to fight this horrible disease so I can see my little girl grow up for if I can get just another year or two Ill be happy. but with lupus who knows I coudl have 20 nore years or I coudl have 1. it is a horrible misunderstood disease and my dr is scratching his head and chewing me out saying IM NOT TAKING TH IS SERIOUSLY AND ITS TIME FOR YOU TO GET SERIOUS OR YOU MAY NOT BE AROUND MUCH LONGER. so Im gonna get serious and fight this as hard as I can. Cuz I have this HUGE box of photos to scrap and I have to get it done for BElla cuz honestly if truth be known, ALL OF THIS is for her and to make her proud of her mommy, cuz even though IM SICK, THIS is the ONE THING I am able to do, I CAN SCRAP, I want her to be proud that her mommy did somethign besides just lay n bed and complain and cry.
so there you have it people. there is my heart laying out on the table. I have just been gods honest and told it liek it is. NOW IM gonn alter this bad boy before I get too sick to do so, PASS ME MY BLING AND MY FLOWERS WE HAVE A WALKER TO ALTER (thinking a horn and a sign that says get the he** out of my way would look groovy on teh front)
THank you all so much
I LOVE YA and I MEAN IT!