Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Misery? Table for one?

AHHHh its finally here. WE got "THE DATE" the date that is THE date that will end all doubt if there will ever be another child in our future. I KNOW I KNOW what a silly thing to be contemplating right now with all I have wrong but .. Its so FINAL. The dr said IF your going to have more children NOW is the time. He gets back my labs... says OK you need a hysterectomy. Stage 4 endometriosis and precancer cells on the uterus... WoW.
You know this is something you think about all your life every month when you have to deal with "mr monthly" and all its horriblness. You wish you didnt have to do this or why cant I just have a hysterectomy...Man sometimes I wanna pick a bone with Eve when I get up to the gate at the garden of eden ya know.
It is part of what makes us a woman. It is what enables us to bring that sweet baby home from the hospital. I know this is the best thing and actually it is the ONLY thing that there is to do at this point. Not only will my over all health be better but it could actually end up saving my life depending on how bad it is when they get in there. But also this is supposed to keep my lupus in remission. THe study says my hormone levels are all out of whack (nooo you must be kidding me) and that it could be the end to medication and so many other horrors in my life. IT could be over. Wow... over. IT will be over. IT will be a new aspect of living It will be a new adventure it will be no more oh GOsh what is today's date.. do I have female products.. did I wait the appropriate 15 minutes before I jumped my hubby's bones... No more every month going please please no lord please I can't be pregnant Or oh please please please lord just let that stick turn blue. No more possibility. BUT so much freedom. No more wondering, No more fear of that pabst smear result saying what we now know to be true. abnormal results What is that about anyway.... PRE cancer cells of the uterus.... I feel like it is the marcing band coming up the road before th e the freak show. BUT ....NO more laying on the heating pad for days as I watch my little angel playing in my make up and feeling so crappy I dont even care that it was the last of my "good kind"
But add being able to play chase with my 3 year old.. to go to the park.. to go to the zoo OH TO go to the BEACH oh I wanna go with her to the beach... in the SUN and not worry about remissions and flare ups. So much of my life is passing me by right here in this bed wishing. I have this beautiful precious little girl GOd gave me this... why?! would I even think he wouldnt let this heal me? So ABOVE everything else I can be what I have wanted my entire life to be and not just normal I mean im so far past normal Im over that already.. but that is to be best wife and mommy in the whole wide world to the ones that I love more than life itself. My little girl and the man that gave her to me.
I want to be the best friend I can be to my friends. I want to be there for them as they are for me right now as Im going through all this. TO some this may seem like OH nothing "you will be fine my dear aunt so and so had this and that and blah blah" WELL let me tell you LET THEM PULL THAT KNIFE OUT AND AIM IT AT YOUR OVARIES and TELL ME YOU DONT RETHINK SOME CRAPP KWIM???!!! It will make you look at all the snarky, philosophical bs that goes on in blogs and the internet world and go Man get off your nail. People get upset and over react for many a reason but ya know in the grand scheme of things when it comes down to it just talking to the other person and not jumping to conclusions can mend many a broken heart if your strong enough to do it. IT takes a STRONG person to humble and try to mend a fence. ANd sometimes even worse if you see two people who were the best of friends and now they are at each others throats over a misunderstanding, you say something thinking it will make the person rethink their stance or at least talk to the other one and the person goes off into haitas again.. SO do you say omg get mad and reply with something worse, pray hard for this person cuz GOD KNOWS if this is their attitude they have in life THEY NEED all the good lords help they can get. Or try to convince them that ya know THERE ARE WORSE THINGS in the world. There are people out there fighting to stay alive that could give a crapp that you got your feelings hurt even though it means everything in the world to you right this second JUST like all I think of is having this surgery right now and staring at sad possibilities ,ANd if that doesnt make enough sense to you LET me break this down for you.

My favorite southern story My grandma used to tell us. ITS about this DOG layin' on a nail. THe dog just HOWWWLLLS and HOWLLLS and whines all day everyone walks by the dog and pats it on the head. finally someone asks the old man sitting on the porch whats wrong with that there dog why does he yawl like that all the time. THe old man replies OH he would feel fine if he just got up off that nail he is layin on.. BUT if he did get off his nail a whole lot less people would pat him on his mangey head. DO I NEED TO EXPLAIN the Moral of that storY? IF your a little slowit means QUIT YOUR WHINing and get off the nail already. PEople get tired of hearing anyone whine. Nothing is going to be solved while your still layin on that nail. Unless the company that YOU keep LOVES misery. DING DING... Your table is ready.


*Jeanne* said...

OMG Nancy... I wish I had the right words to say about what you are about to face. I don't think there are words out there. I will tell you if there is anything you need you know where to find me. Always here for you!

OMG ROFL I have never heard that story about the dog before... guess you hit the "nail" on the head.

*Elise* said...

Nancy, I'm both happy and sad for you that you have to go through this. Its been just about 2 years since I had my hyster (Sept 14, 2004 - day before my bday). I won't lie and say its easy, because, well, its not, but the end is so worth it - mine was for endo as well. If you haven't already, checkout - they have alot of good info on there for getting ready and recuperation. If you need to talk, give me a shout. I love the story of the dog;)

Kim - ScrapToMyLu said...

Love that Dog story!

Nancy, I think it's normal and a neccesity that you go through all the emotions you are feeling.
You will get through this and you will feel 100% better. You have had a really really rough time lately, lots of time to think. There are alot of your online friends holding you up, sending you healing thoughts. You can only improve from here!

Jaci said...

I know how difficult this has to be for you. I chose to have my tubes tied and still went through all the emotions you talked about!
It sounds like you already know there isn't another option so, my best advice is to allow yourself time to grieve for the child that might have been and focus your energy on that beautiful Bella!
I'll be thinking about you girl!