Wish Big.....

So I am sitting in my scrap room Looking around at this MESS everywhere thinking I need my fairy Godmother, You know the one I met at Disney world. LOVE HER so much.  When I see THIS:

I have trying to think of a word for 2013. 2012 was not so great. If you want the honest truth. ESPECIALLY the end of it. Although we WORKED so hard and we did accomplish a HUGE GOAL and my health did have it's back and forths, WE FINALLY saved up and paid each month and took Bella to Disney. We have never been so excited about going anywhere although we have never really BEEN ANYWHERE. Nana (John's mom had recently retired) and wanted to go with us. I jumped and said PLEASE do. I didn't know what my health would do and was thinking she could help out with Bella. Little did I know what was before us. Mom had retired wanting to spend more time with her grand children and I feel maybe I should have known better,  I sometimes wonder did she push herself too hard. Then think about her nature and I know her so well. She never would have told us. I kept looking at her the entire time and something kept telling me she wasn't ok. I even told Liz when we got back she wasn't acting herself. She had been coughing before the trip and a good bit during so I thought she was coming down with something. John treated she and I to an in room Massage mid week. I cherish that time I spent with her Laughing and girl talking.
Little did I know that would be the last time we would do that.

When we got back from that Dream vacation. John's mom, Bella's precious Nana My as you have heard me call her on this very blog, and those who have known me for the last 14 years... my mother in love went to be with Jesus.


Our hearts are broken. We worry so, about Dad.... I worry about my husband and ya, especially my child. I worry about my sister liz,  she was her best friend and they talked every day several times, I mean it's her mom. She has been in work mode and taking care of everyone. I am  praying for her constantly. I am thinking of her and have it in my mind if this or that might take a load off of  her some or would this make her smile maybe.
I worry about  all of her sisters and Brothers. UGHrFF sorry I just cannot say In law.. Because they are so much more than that. She told me from the get go. "SHE told me ewww do not call me MUTTTHER IN LAAAW it sounds so so.. cold.  love sounds.. right."

You would have to know this woman. She had the most beautiful heart. She just RADIATES love. She is so Gentle SO loving.  The most giving and unselfish loving nature. Her kids and grandkids did nothing wrong. She accepted me in with open arms and just made me her own. So did Johns daddy and his family. I had lost my father and my heart was so just broken. They always called me that day always supported me and always kept me positive. She was the most supportive person. She didn't speak negative. She only spoke words that were positive. She encouraged me constantly. To be a better person, wife, mother a better "Nancy."

Matter of fact that last talk we had before she went home that day she told me how proud she was of me. How hard she saw me fighting my disease and trying to beat M.S. She told me that she loved that about me and how proud of the mother I had become. The wife I was to John and she loved how I put them first. My mouth was on the floor. I have never received a better compliment in my life.        

                                                          

Those are some big things to live up to but all I have ever aspired for. She knows it too. She saw the books I had laying around. The books on being positive. She knows I try so hard. The millions of photos I take for the scrapbooks I try to keep up with it all for my family. I was telling her all the things I was doing for my family for Christmas and for my mom and she was even  helping me shop/ look. She was helping me pick out things in the stores. I was telling her how my mother got the letter from walt Disneys office or someone to go to his animation school for drawing way back when. and How I would love to have it framed for her. I would love to have the photo of her she has with that statue of Walt Disney and mickey Mouse and that letter put into a big frame for her and we looked at the Disney frames and she was helping me decide.
She thought it was a splendid Idea.

 We looked at funny things and we tried on things and went to Main street Bakery. I teared up at the video my friend Brittney sent she is the Travel agent that planned our vacation. IT had the Main street bakery singing happy birthday in it. I felt maybe that was meant just for me as a little voice from above to always remember how funny it was nana trying to navigate that scooter in the bakery. And us looking at all those sweets and her going crazy saying "I JUST WANT ALLLLL OF IT"

And her laugh. That could just set off an entire room. Her in the back ground looking at Bella at cinderellas castle with tears in her eyes thinking the same thing that John and I were... "We are FINALLY HERE" we WISHED BIG! and IT FINALLY CAME TRUE. HEr laughing so HARDDD at me meeting the Fairy God mother. OMGOSH I was a fool. You would think I had met the Queen of England and to me I MIGHT AS WELL HAVE. I LOVE HER!!!

My favorites are the quiet moments Bella snuggling up with her. HER running to her and JUMPING INTO NANAS lap when I "ran over LULU" we will never forget that everrr. (or will about 10 Disney staff that heard Bella Screaming in front of Cinderellas Castle that "I MUSHED HER HEAD and couldn't be trusted with her in my scooter basket"
If a mommy with a 2 year old runs in front of me again and its them or lulu her lamb to JUST RUN EM DOWN... (she was not thinking straight I had just run over her LULU for heavens sake she would never say that in her right thinking ever)

But Nana held her tight wiped her tears and the Disney guy fixed it along with Daddy's help bandaids and a tiny tiara (thats what you do for a build a bear Lamb with a concussion) and then you take lots of pictures :) and get LULU a goofy to protect her.

Nana and I had races to the bus stop with Bella on foot every day to and from. Bella squealing and laughing and calling the race. Every now and then Nana would sneak up on me on her scooter and pass me and make a face or say WHERE WE GOINNNNNN... or DO I KNOW YALLLLL.... YOU FOLKS LOCAL? some funny phrase get us goin Bella would be steering or standing on the back. WITH LULU as she waved and did a foot out ballet move.. YA ONLY NANA....

I am so happy we all had that time. I  value these photos more than I ever imagined I would. We miss her. oh man I miss her.  I want to just pick up the phone and call her and say  WHAT? ARE  YOU KIDDING ME? this has to be a joke.
Im trying so hard to hold it all together. Bella needs me to. But I spend looooong times in the bathroom.
I know God has a reason for everything. And when I look back. He had a plan I know he did. Bella said it best that He planned for her to go on this trip with us she HAD to go it was her last thing to do before she went to heaven.

 I have had so much come to my mind through prayer.  Kinda like I don't want to say questions answered because No I don't think they were. But maybe just a little bit of solace.  A peace That I haven't had. Some say time does that. But not always.
Our back room has clothes of hers and some of our Disney souvenirs. I can smell her all over it just like she is there.

I catch Bella back there in our back room I know it is because, it smells like her. Bella has a mushy pillow and a blanket of hers. I keep asking her "do you want me to put them in zip locks so they wont loose the smell?" She says "nah Nana wont let the smell go away"

Oh, My baby. I wish that for you. That  you never forget those little things about her.  I have always and I can prove it. I did layouts all these years. for you to remember every tiny thing about that woman. One of the things was how she always smelled SOOO good. She wore perfume always and she always left that perfume trail.

We had a scrapbook board at the funeral that had layouts that I had made over the years of  all the kids and Mom and then the very last photo of all of us together it was the last photo we took.   YES I scrapped in the Hotel room for my mom in loves funeral.One of the hardest things ever. I knew it was important though for my family.  for her memory.  My liz needed it and my husband and my lil girl needed it.  THIS is the reason I scrapbook.  It is hard to look at right now for us. soon though. we can look and remember and it won't be as painful and we can smile.

Christmas was strange. Was extra strange since Liz's entire family got sick with the flu. John's daddy was going to be alone. We couldn't take it. We begged him to come here. He coudln't leave the dogs and he promised to watch his neighbors dogs or something or other. so we went to him. Which was good. It was strange though. Her not there. But was good to be with dad. Bella was not herself. at all. She tried. You could tell. She played with Lala a lot. She loves lala Nana's and Papa's dog. We  had been talking about a dog for some time inside the house. She is allergic to Lala though. Her skin breaks out so bad.

This is a 2011 photo...

2011

I have to tell you heaven heard us and sent this dog. It has been a God send for this child. She has been a different child. She eats sleeps and breathes this dog. AND she is not allergic.  A dear friend had this dog not too far from us and let us get this dog from her.

so..... Meet Charley: Yes Bella named him.

Charley Brown Jones (ya she had been watching the Christmas specials)

He has brought life to this house and well our yard. HE still is not sure about the cats but HE LOVES Guido I am not sure Guido really knows what to make of him yet.

He loves chasing the cats and running around the yard full blast making Bella chase him IT IS HILARIOUS!

Could just kiss his face off!

         What you doin? whats that FLASHY THING UGHHHH STOPPPP MOMMMY!

Wanting us to CHASE  HIM...

                                                  Round and round and round the Yard we go....

                              Notice I am taking pictures while they are all running round and round....


So.. that is our new Pup... He is something else.  Keeps us laughing and on our toes. He is funny and such a little love puppy. into everything just like BELLA.  John won't admit it. BUT HE LOVES HIM TOO.

Wish Big yall... Dreams do come true.