What were you doing a year ago today?

I know EXACTLY what I was doing.. FREAKING OUT. WE had the biggest named storm in the history of MY LIFE (mom was pregnant with me when Camille hit the coast in 69) and here we were living in Mobile ALabama! I WAS packin my crapp ready to get out. My hubby was like OH CALM Down it will be ok IT is gonna turn and go to Texas (great weather man he is ya know) quit over reacting. Well yall know that AUgust 28th Is the Anniversary of My dads death.. and I was not dealing that great with that but on top of it I thougth we were gonna die and go see him on the same date cuz a hurricane was a comin there fore I WASA GOIN!

God does things for the strangest reasons sometimes and IM NOT VAIN enough to think IT was cuz of me geez but the hurricane didnt hit on the day my daddy got killed ( I figure he knows me so well and KNOWS I can only deal with one thing at a time) so whamo the next day. DID I MENTION this was my first ever hurricane. yeah. we moved here AFTER Ivan. (that is how smart we are everyone else is leaving we say HOW much ya want fer dat house dayer bud) WE were smart enough to get one that had concrete in walls and a timberline roof but I have seen MANY OF Those laying in piles of rubble across the coast line. IM not gonna go into our entire hurricane story here on my blog this morning. BUT, I will share some layouts I have done on the hurricane. You can see what happened and see if you can see the blooper on one of them (yes I put a photo of my neighbors house NOT OUR house on the layout thought it so funny I LEFT IT to see how many people would notice but did make a notation on the back) OK so here are my layouts

latest layouts

IS this daisy D paper not the cutest? I LOVE the velvet and the large petaloo flowers, they just jump off the page! Those new Heidi swapp chipboard tags are precious and the metal words too. BUT My fav is the basic grey ribbons I can't get enough of them. I love it love it love it! Had so much fun making these pages. Three down a million more to go! Also I did some cards for this months view points on The Untamed Scrapper. Be sure and check it out!! I can't get over how big Bella has gotten. SHe is such a little Miss now. I love going back and scrapping some of the photos I never did scrap of her as a baby and smaller than well.. she is now... esp when new paper comes out!! SO MUCH FUN! Happy Scrappin' I KNOW I am locked in my scraproom all weekend I have projects for scrappy chick magazine due and The view and DT stuff to finish up IM SO behind and still havnt opened all my packages. ( I LOVE diving into those product boxes) Have fun this weekend. Are you planning on scrapping any? What cha working on? drop me a line Inquiring minds wanna know ;)

We interupt your regular scheduled life....

What is the world coming to. We were without internet and cable service for 4 and 1/2 days. I THOUGHT MY LIFE WAS GONNA END. There is nothing much worse than recovering from surgery and there only be 5 channels to watch. BUT luckily we survived and we are back on track. Media com had a SCHEDULED outage for upgrades they failed to tell anyone about.. and then Lightening struck something or whatever and like half of Mobile was without service. I am very very happy it is back working since I have 992 emails in my box.. (mostly wanting to know IF I want to buy viagra or get a cheap vacation or some diet pills ...anyway) I did get to do a LITTLE scrapping Not as much as I wanted to, Bella has had the flu and she shared it with John and me. (isnt that sweet of her) so much fun seeing your toes come out of your mouth when You still have stitches!! But she is feeling much better and went to school today. I will upload the pages I made after this scanner finishes copying them inch by flippin inch (taking for ever)
OH but I DO HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS!!! I got another page up for pub! YIPPEE. Bellas such anticipation layout is gonna be in next months scrapstreet magazine as well as Your Grill layout I did of John for fathers day. SO whew wew 2 more pubs!
The dt search for bliss ends today. IM so nervous. Im not even gonna get my hopes up cuz I KNOW so many talented people that applied, so like I have a snowballs chance in florida as to getting it. BUT at least I tried and IT was fun! IT is a ROCKIN place I have to admit. SO MUCH talent over there! OK Im gonna finish uploading these pages so you can see them. I will be so happy when I can drive again and get out of this house! Ta ta for now.
OH and JEANNE I HOPE YOU ARE FEELING BETTER MY FRIEND. I MISS YOU!!!! GET WELL SOOOON!!!

hell week...

Be warned this is really long and it well It is sad. But, this is me this is what made me who I am now.. and here is what happened


For everyone that knows me and I MEAN KNOWS ME not just knows me .. KNOW S the real me the deep down me the one that scares even myself sometime (dont worry I am harmless) yall know this is the week. This is the week I go into my cave and think of what if and how could it have been different IF I had kept my daddy on the phone for 10 more minutes. FOr those of you that know me You know that for the longest time and maybe still just a little I blamed myself for my daddy getting killed yes I know to some of you that sounded crazy. BUt I believe this or not I KNOW YOU WILL BE SHOCKED but I can be somewhat selfish at times. HA I know your falling out from the shock right now so I will allow you a moment to get yourself back up. I hide behind my humor alot but it is what gets me through all this maybe I am a little crazy OK ALOT but who woudlnt be for all we have been through. The story goes like this. 11 years ago today I found out my ex husband had been horifically bad amongst all proportions. HE committed the big sin of cheating on me I tried to get him to go to counceling but he turned it all around it was me blah blah you know the drill typical battered wife sad story. THIS story is not about him I dont want it about him that is another whole sad story but he was bad he was a batterer.. he was mean he was nasty. But,HE was a cop But that is not this story ...

My dad was a Deputy sherriff. I idolized my father I was, if you looked up daddys girl in the dictionary MY FACE was sitting there smiling with the halo on top of my head. I had a rough childhood, was in a bad car accident stayed sick alot ROUGH meaning I was sick alot not that I was abused or anything like that by any means I had a great childhood my parents loved me I thought my daddy hung the moon he did no wrong he walked on water in my eyes IF daddy said it then it was in Genesis or Matthew cuz it was written DADDY said..
I left my husband My daddy was 100% behind me and was meeting me that day that horrible day August the 28th, at 5 30 at the lawyers office to sign the papers. I would be the first person in my entire family to get a divorce. Oh how I hated that.I was so ashamed WHY did this have to happen, I did everything I COULD to make that man love me but he just didnt, My daddy told me GET YOUR crapp and GET OUT before he kills you. It was 12:00 lunch time and daddy knew I was about to go to lunch so he called me real quick TO make sure I was ok. We talkd every day at lunch and then every night before I went to bed. BEYOND clockwork. I was having such a hard time with this and was even on medication because all I did was cry all t he time. I was ina demanding job with a communications company and was doing VERY well except for mentally, a bad marriage was destroying my life.. So I thought. ... Little did I know what was about to take place in 18 minutes. Less than half an hour away was THE moment that would change my life forever. Daddy was on the phone making sure I was still gonna meet him at 5 30 at the lawyers office he told me where to go because I was so scared and wanted to know IF I wanted him to just come pick me up and I told him no I have to do this. I felt like he was bailing me out he said NO IM NOT Im just going with you to make sure you dont make bad decisions and you cant go through this alone. cuz that is the kind of daddy he was. He was about to go to lunch and needed to go and I had another call coming in so I told him daddy I love you. and HE always said Love ya babe when he hung up, This time he said it is going to be ok I lov eyou Nancy. I was like i love you too daddy byee already. thent hought that was weird cuz he didnt do the luvyabaBE like we always do. dismissed it and took the call it was the a hole gosh I got off the phone with my dad for the jerk what did he want.. more arguing so I was like IM late for lunch i need to go he was like OK bye. well I ran some errands didnt eat lunch as usual and came back to work had like 20 messages on my desk I was like good lord what now figured it was the Ahole calling. No it was my sister in law. I was thinking good gracious what is going on she never calls me at work. I call her back she said GET IN YOUR CAR go to the hospital Im going huh why? I feel fine ...I dont need a hospital she siad NO it is your daddy well I fell into my chair im like WHAT do yoU MEAN DADDY. I screamed this and everyone was staring at me she said he has been in an accident and That I need to go to the hospital. THoughts flooded me like the gates opened I envisioned a wreck somethign horrid she said no it was an escaped convict daddy was at lunch he has been stabbed IM like WHAT??? ARE YOU ON DRUGS what the hell are you talking about I didnt believe her "I JUST TALKED TO HIM are you DERRANGED??? WHat did you take?" she said no she just talked to the sherriffs dept where he worked "nancy GO NOW "so I hung up on her. SHe called back and got my boss's secretary. Who walked over to me cuz I was sitting in a heap on the floor picking up some papers I threw while yelling at my sister in law. What was she talking about. why woudl she say this. Sonja myu boss's secreatary came to me and said Nancy it is true. OMg I broke loose in a run to the truck she said NO take my car she drove me I was in no shape to drive... I stopped and looked at her I said ITS too late he is dead she said"WHAT how do you know" I said "I just know. " I was a heap of tears...
Well we flew to the hospital I was on the phone the entire time making calls trying to make sense of this I called a hole he was at work he had heard about it I screamed at him he said he was coming to the hospital I didnt want him there but he came anyway which NOW I am kinda glad cuz I thought he had done it but NO he didnt but I knwo how horrible of me to think that at first but i did with all the rage we had at each other. I jumped out of the car before it comepletely stopped (sonja I will never forget you for that day I love you and thank you still) Sonja was like" Nancy wait your purse and where do I go Im like I have no idea I will ask one of these 5 thousand policeman that are standing here... "That is what happens when a cop is killed in line of duty they ALL come to the hospital. I get to the door and see my friend shannon's daddy who is also a deputy. and Shannon works with me HEr dad grabs me said OMG its Nancy. He knew it was about to get ugly. HE said" Nancy Im sorry we tried to save him I said what the F *** do you mean "( I still cant believe I said the F word to shannons daddy)"what doyou meanYOU tried where is he LET ME IN where is my daddy". I was pounding his chest he grabbed me and just cried I was liek omg this is bad and he said nancy "he is gone"
I lost it I fell to the ground. he picked me up said "YOur mother is inside" I shoved past him and this HUMONGOUS cop that was standing guard who grabbed me and I kicked and bucked and yelled "YOU f****g idiot THAT IS MY DADDY IN THERE YOU LET ME GO YOU bastard let me go "and was kicking and flailing. shannons daddy screamed "LET GO OF HER that is his daughter." I ran down the hall him tryin to catch me I see a room the sherriff is standing at the door my mother and my family inside my mommy is sitting ina chair I slid down like I slid into second base many times in the past (just not in liz claiborn heals and adolf suit) and landed face in her lap. SHe said GET THE DR in here now. SHe said "Nancy, they killed him your daddy is dead." I screamed at the top of my lungs NO! NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO you are lying to me I hate you all you are lying. The dr walked in gave me a shot. I sat for what seemed like an eternity thinking no he is meeting me at the lawyers office he cant be dead this isnt happening. This is not happening this is a dream yes a dream IM going to wake up any minute and it will be ok.

The rest comes and goes in a blur.

A kid escaped from a drug rehab and stole a vehicle after stealing a knife from Winn dixie, daddy just happened to pass the guy recognise the vehicle and was closest to him and be the one to pull him over. HE stabbed my daddy 15 times to his death. They caught him 5 miles up the road in a cotton field where he had stabbed himself in the stomach to commit suicide. IT didnt work he is still friggin alive and well butin jail for life. This kid who was 2 years younger than myself.
At 12 18 pm August 28th 1995 changed my life forever. The worst thing to ever happen in my life. This THING of a human took my daddy.

We went through the motions of the funeral. We had press releases We had people everywhere We had cameras tv crews it was like a circus.. I was numb.. my entire life was gone what did I have left. I refused to eat I mean HOW COULD I eat. We went through all the investigations and on top of this the scene of the crime was 3 miles from my house... I passed it almost daily. my daddy was buried 5 miles the other way. I couldnt escape but I didnt want to I would go late at night to my daddys grave and jsut lay there crying beating the ground. why did this happen.
I look back on all this now and yes it does seem so dramatic. and yes I was so full of rage and anger maybe that is why it was so dramatic. We went through the trial. I sat from pitchers mound to home plate from the guy that horrifically murdered my father. I have wheeled a softball fast enough to rip his head off, in my imagination during that trial so many times..One of the things my daddy was proud of me for. I could play some ball. and here I sat in a court room the sherriff at my left between me and my brother .. his deputy on my right and well a WHOLE row of deputies in front of us standing between us and this excuse for a human,. Ya see I screamed at him in passing that i would kill him for what he did and HIs day would come Id tear his head off and shove it down his corpse. I was so full of hate fo rthis kid. They were scared I would do something to hurt myself or get me in trouble. I was so full of hate. I yelled at him did HE KNOW what he did? HE TOOK my daddy away from me... and cried in a heap yeah that is how dangerous I was.

I was so misplaced in my life. I ran from everyone that wanted to help me I wouldnt eat and became almost anorexic, I ran,I continued with the divorce (which was actually a good thing) I ran from GOd I ran from my family I ran from myself. I buried the pain of losing my dad deep. but not my hate for the guy that did it.
IT took me lots OF therapy and LOTS of pain and LOTS of sleepless nights to get to where I am now 11 years later. TO this day many nights I close my eyes and I see that kids face. I relive it in my dreams. Maybe that i why I never sleep... I dunno but I ran till one day I HAD TO deal with this.
NOW at 36.. IT still hurts. I sometimes feel like I am three and want to crawl into his lap and put my head on his chest to hear his heart. He would say "You hear that? Thats yours..... "I wanna hear whats mine!!! It still burns to my soul and I will never have that piece of my heart back. even so many GOOD things though have happened and Yes I do account my daddy being in heaven for part of it. THe braves won the world series the year he died... Coincidence? I think not (have yall seen them play??? you will know it was a miracle) that happened RIGHT after he died HE was their number one fan! SO we say it was him a sign he was ok and in heaven. lol

All this week I will tell you the good stuff the sweet things and HOW I Know my daddy is still here. We will celebrate him with comical stories I have so many! I KNOW HE is watching and is still giving his little girl happiness every day. From sending me butterflies by the thousands.. and weird flowers that bloom when they arent suppose to and a beautiful little girl's wink that looks just like him, little phrases she says that only he and I knew, we shared. Her beautiful eyes that are just like his. her wit and charm well SHE GETS THAT FROM ME (hahaha) yes I have my daddys wit and charm as well. but most of all... HE sent me John. John saved my life. My husband my love my best friend. I KNOW my daddy sent him and his family to me. I am forever grateful to them and him for all the Love and support they show me and for being my family.
BUT most of all My John. I love you and thank you ... Without you I would have died long time ago because when I didnt care enough about my self to live You cared enough for both of us. Thank you for pulling me out of my self hate and the shell of what I was to be able to laugh and smile and love and share this beautiful daughter that we have, and our life. Thank you.

Thank you if you read all of this today. I know It is long but it is me... You now know something alot of people not even some of my family members know. Weird how the words just flow out of us for sometimes strangers. THis week is always hard for me and my family but this year will be different. I say that every year. But This will be the first year I will be away from home. Away from the site where it happened at not laying at his grave. Please remember my mother in your prayers. SHe still as you can imagine has bad times too. she is so strong I dont see how she does it.
Here is the link to the memorial the Sherriffs Department has for my daddy. I want to make a better one. Some day when I can. Ya know it is kinda funny... its been 11 years this year do you know I have 1 scrapbook page on this well actually 2 I have one I did of bella blowing bubble kisses to papaw... and then the one where the 10 year anniversary was in the paper.. those are the only two, I have every news paper clipping I even have grass from the scene of the accident. but I have yet to scrap it..... Maybe this year.....


Memorium The last one on the page.

I love you daddy... and I miss you!

2 more toots! YIPPEE

I have 2 more toots I got 2 emails in my box today that were so exciting. FROm 2 different places! Scrapstreet wants my grill layout and I cant say but my beautiful layout is going to be in a magazine but it wont be in until March .... MARCH good lord that is forever from now. SHe said they may use it in a tutorial though showing the 2 dimensional cutting. I told her GO LOOK AT MY FRIEND JEANNE's blog and go look at Carole's blog you may not want mine after that though THEIRS are amazing!!! She said she will, She is gearing up to do a big article about the three dimensional look that is all the rage in the down under right now but just makin it over to the states and she wants her magazine to be one of the first to have it. IM so excited! WHO KNOWS by March I may have a better one than this but she said she LOVES that photo of Bella. SO who am I to argue.
In other news IM A TOTAL goober but Yall already know this. The lil davis stamps I have the foam ones that I was telling some of you about that when I used it said fLiends instead of FRIENDS.. WEll ughm I fixed it. AFTER I wrote an email to them asking IF I was dyslexic or did a batch get botched (say that 5 times real fast you northerners) and this sweet lady gave me the sweetest reply and said No the batch actually did get botched and I received one of said botched batch... (or something like that) so anyway she said they would gladly send me a new one and quick cuz I have a deadline for scrappy chic. SO anyway I kept picking at the r I mean it was useless to me anyway I cant use FLiends on a layout Id get pinged for sure.. so I figured why not pick at it cuz if something isnt right with the world isn't that what we as humans do? we PICK at it. SO anyway I got it to come off and well...... I fixed it. SO NOW I have to send said sweet lady back ANOTHER email saying OH YEAH by the way... scratch that!!! SO IF ANY OF YOU have the CHRISTMAS FOAM STAMPS from lil davis and the circular frame that says joy, love, fLiends etc.. You can pull the r off carefully (3 drops of undo on it, it has heavy duty adhesive on it they are NOT FUSED TOGETHER AS I THOUGHT) and put it right side up and it is ok... OFF to send a note to the lady that was so sweet at lil davis to say NEVERMIND dont send me another one I FIXED IT forgive me for being a goober and such...YIppee....... ALL IS WELL WITH THE WORLD NOW.
AND THEN she sploded... the blonde child. THe little mini me. She sploded all over the couch and floor. I .......am not sure if hubby shook her up too much before taking her head off or what... but she sploded. That was the only explanation I got when I walked into the living room and said.. YOU been cleaning? (harps start playing and a light from heaven shines down upon the living room) he growls YES, Bella sploded... Ok I look at him and say like IS she ALIVE? or are her remnants all over the living room He said yes (still I was standing confused) he said SHE puked OK! I said OH and a chuckle (thanking GOD I was in bed during that one and he got a total pay back for all the other puke and other fluids I have worn in her short 3 years) then with all the concern of the mother that I am , Isaid WEll? IS she ok? He said yeah she is asleep. Ok ... SO did you clean it all up Yup I sure did. MEN.. NO DETAILS at all!! I guess that is kinda good. WOW THings are going so good today. IM SO SCARED to go to sleep and wake up tomorrow the sky will definitly be falling IT has been a beautiful karma day!

hurray hurray Nana Is here

BElla has been keeping Nana really busy while she is here. They have been coloring up a storm, playing outside and shopping. She is so happy her nana is here and I AM TOO. I feel a bit better today but then again.. I didn't do a thing. I slept most of it. That is probably why I feel better. I get too over zealous and forget I just had surgery and wanna pick up Bella for snuggles or get up too fast BUT IT QUICKLY reminds me HEY don't do that. I scrapped a little tonight YEAJ! I am working on submissions for a design team entry coming up. Had to do my own handwriting and doodling for one of them BLAHHHHHHKKKK. She will know now WHY I DONT do my own handwriting. I hope it doesn't knock me out of getting it cuz my hand writing is pretty bad. ID love to post it here and get yall's opinion if I should submit it but then I wouldn't be able to submit it cuz it has to be a layout NOT seen before. Actually it is a layout I never finished and I redid it to accomodate this... SO I hope that is ok. Note to self ASK ABOUT THAT. Bella is going to 3K monday AHHH! Is so hard to believe she is growing up WAY too fast. But that is ok IT was great to be able to go to the store (well send hubby I sure didnt go) and NOT HAVE to get diapers/pullups IT Was amazing! SHe doesnt need them she is doing sooo good with Potty. IM so very proud of her. SO now we get to go to Disney world yipeee. We are deciding if we are still gonna go this november (my medical bills may not let that happen) or next spring. Probably next spring is more likeit but we will see. Have a great day and I will see you tomorrow :)

Oh OWW ughhh

I took a picture earlier of Bella and nana coloring but I feel to crappy to put it on here Im laying in bed watcing americas got talent (that is debatable by some of these acts) and dying, I feel horrible today, I forgot last night in my sleep i had wandered off the pillows and was laying flat and sat straight up. I heard a pop and omg the pain started. John called my dr today they called me in darvocet which made me throw up like 3 times so far. OK when you have surgery DOWN THERE and then you THROW UP this dont work good so NOW IM DYING and they cant call in anything stronger they told me to take more phenegren it iwll knock me out eventually,
THIS IS THE NURSE RECOMENDATION Im like OOOk , whihc I guess there really isnt anything they can do short of me going to the er cuz they cant call in anything stronger, SO I am trying to distract myself,
Donna D, jumped out of an airplane today or err tomorrow whichever cuz she is in new zealand is it today or tomorrow I cant remember but she did, WHY THE HECK would anyone jump out of a perfectly good airplane that isnt on fire or crashing for the love of chocolate??? IF I WAS TO JUMP there is something major bad happening I am here to tell you.
WE have a chat with Melody Ross tonight of Chatterbox at the bliss I CANT WAIT I hope I can feel up to going IM SURE GONNA TRY, I keep missing them (bad nancy bad)
SO happy my little bit is home My friend Jeanne made a layout with Bellas sweet face on it CHECK IT OUT is sooo cute she rocks I jsut love her what an awesome friend to have ya know,
Im gonna lay back for a few minutes and pray i can make it to melodys chat

and then there were hormones

EVERYTHING today is making me cry. John went to the grocery store and I told him Im having a major chocolate craving so he got me a 6 pack of hershey bars. HE brought me one back to bed and I was like thank you honey and savoured every tiny square one by one. I got up to walk and when I made it down the hall way, saw in the kitchen on the counter the rest of the package.. I just boo hoo'd. John came in said I have a surprise for you Im squalling like a baby I said I know I saw the chocolate (while blowing my nose in tissues) he said yeah but thats not it Im like awww and I cry more what is it? he said IM GOING TO GO GET BUG oh gosh the flood gates erupted I was squalling like a baby. Thank you Thank you Thank you. He was like GEEZ your welcome quit crying already.
His mother is coming back also to wrestle with Bella and spend time with her and us, but they will be in our house so I can still see and hear my kiddo. I missed her sooooooo much. NOW I KNOW in a few days Ill be pulling my hair out wondering what in the world was I thinking. BUT man this house is so huge and so quiet without her. Im a very happy mommy tonight only 3 more hours and they will be here. Im feeling better and stronger each day. really tired but I know that is expected. SO happy I have all of you .. my friends praying for me. Thank you each and every one of you even the ones that don't know that I know that you are here... Thank you I miss you so much and it means more to me than you will ever in your life know. Well my ss class is droppin by tonight so I guess I need to get in the shower and brush my tooth.. get it..tooth hahaha ok maybe the meds havent worn off all the way yet forgive me. I am anxious to get well and get back to church and scrappin and chic fil a days. Bella will start back to school soon so we wont have our girls days that much but we will have to sneak some in. Ballet starts soon too! YIKES John is still wanting her to take karate I want her to take ballet she wants to do both karate ballerina... I can see it now.

Missin my bug

One thing I didn't count on after this surgery is the flood of hormones. I could just cry over nothing. I miss my baby girl SOOO MUCH it physically hurts (or is that actually real pain from the actual surgery who knows ......who cares) I didnt think Id miss her as much as I do but then I didnt realise SHE Was gonna be gone as long too. I am about to plan a pure mutiny if my hubby doesnt commit to sooner than Saturday to go get her, Im thinking Thursday maybe wed, he keeps getting later in the week. This is his vacation time he is taking so I know he needs some recoup time as well. I did get up more today and do a little more today than I have been doing and I figure I will feel the remifications of that tomorrow. I havnt taken pain meds in a while like a long while today. WE are MAKING PROGRESS PEOPLE! I got in the mail some coool heidi swapp stuff today from the scrapbook fairy THANK YOU SCRAPBOOK FAIRY (your welcome nancy) (since I got no flowers in the hospital thi swill do, thank you honey) I love it it is beautiful.
I got the chipboard clocks in pink and brown, the big and little assorted flowers, bling iron on words (they are so stinkin cute) and some rub ons and the chipboard tags and other stuff that rocks I got the autumn leaves rhonna farrer stamps the fluerishes (love those) and alot of lil davis paints and dazzle what every girl needs to bling any project. I got some older lil davis things that were on clearance for little of NOTHING for Christmas pages Im working on (when I get to) and for cards. I will take a photo and let yall drool with me, NEXT purchase is that my minds eye bohemian line OMG and the urban lilly YUMMY!!! ANDREA is going to get me in big trouble mister I must get well and get some fundage for my projects. WEll that is all for today. I figure hubby can blow money on cigarettes to kill himself with I can at least spend on something to preserve his memory so the blonde child will know who he is. Until tomorrow muuuah

Land of the living

AHHH to be a part of the land of the living... did anyone catch the plates on that bus that ran over me????
I actually do feel better. I can swallow without screaming. I can sit up without praying for death. My neck still looks like I was in some horrid sky diving accident (that is my story and im stickin to it.... sounds so much more interesting than oh they screwed up my neck during surgery doesn't it?Oh well we will have to go with the real deal no matter how boring sorry..) I just ate real food for the first time in a week never thought I would appreciate grilled cheese toast that way. I am certain it won't be long now I will be back at the scrapping world cuz gosh I need to I have projects laughing at me from down the hallway. Deadlines are flying towards me and here I lay..... I will be glad once this is all healed and life can get back to normal. Im tired of REALLY bad television . ITS amazing that we have so many channels and still nothing to watch. As soon as I can stand up without the world spinning out of control and my fever gets back down to normal I can get back to my life. I miss my baby so bad I know she is wondering what is going on and why she cant see her mommy. Who am I kidding she is probably so rotten by now she stinks. she is playing with AUNT BIZ (aunt liz) and following Nana around like a puppy dog. WEll I am going to lay back down and do what I have been doing well, sleep and sweat. LOVIN those hormones huh.

counting on down

Well Im counting it down... In just over 13 hours from now.... the big cut! Im excited but sad, anxious and nervous and ready to get it over with. Then recovery ahhh the week of boredom. YOu can check on http://justjeanne.blogspot.com/ and she will post updates after the surgery. Then when I am able to get online I can tell you how much more wonderful I feel.

the countdown is on..

Bella has gone to her "Aunt Wiz's hoyews" (how she says it) she was so excited. Here she is getting ready love that wrinkly nose.
I was going to work in my scrap room, organizing today and getting projects finished but woke up to a nasty headache and nauseau. Hubby wanted me to ride with him to Mississippi to take Bella, and I ussually don't pass up the chance since there are some awesome scrapbook stores up there, but my rear didnt feel that those rough roads for 3 hours one way and coming back tonight would work esp since I wasnt feeling well. So instead I have held the bed down once again. This elsucko's but I KNOW soon I will feel like a million dollars and be scrappin like a mad woman. So have a good saturday and dont forget to brush your teeth. (Bella's parting words when she left this morning lol I tell her that every morning before she leaves so I told her 5 times since she was going to be at Aunt liz's all week. I got 5 hugs and kisses too and a couple extra just cuz!)

the countdown is on..

Bella has gone to her "Aunt Wiz's hoyews" (how she says it) she was so excited. Here she is getting ready love that wrinkly nose.
I was going to work in my scrap room, organizing today and getting projects finished but woke up to a nasty headache and nauseau. Hubby wanted me to ride with him to Mississippi to take Bella, and I ussually don't pass up the chance since there are some awesome scrapbook stores up there, but my rear didnt feel that those rough roads for 3 hours one way and coming back tonight would work esp since I wasnt feeling well. So instead I have held the bed down once again. This elsucko's but I KNOW soon I will feel like a million dollars and be scrappin like a mad woman. So have a good saturday and dont forget to brush your teeth. (Bella's parting words when she left this morning lol I tell her that every morning before she leaves so I told her 5 times since she was going to be at Aunt liz's all week. I got 5 hugs and kisses too and a couple extra just cuz!)

OH MY GAWESH

Jeanne Inspired me so much with her page she did I had to do one too. I love this technique so much but I DONT THINK I WILL be doing alot of them since it hurts ya hands so much ahahahaha
I am so JEALIN OVER JEANNE'S stash and hanging out with DONNA TODAY! Man none of the cool people ever come down here! REckon Im gonna just have to come to them!! LOVIN that cosmo cricket wanted to jump through the phone and snatch those flourishes up from her too! Check out her photos and stash on her blog (its the crossroads ~~~~~~~~>over there under my blog links.) THey looked like they had soooo much fun! SO while the dr is sawing me in half I will be dreaming about all the beautiful goodies she is sitting there scrapping with... ::Insert the sad violin music here:: NO it is ok that I will not be able to scrap and suffer in silence I will put my adhesive under my pillow so I will ahve sweet dreams while they RIP OUT MY INNARDS.... ::harp soloist plays here:: its ok I will manage I know I will survive and scrap again ::overture with flutes in the background resumes:: I know this will not keep ....::music halts:: OK OK YEAH I KNOW ABOUT MY DOG STORY I WROTE IT REMEMBER. hahahahah Just pokin a little fun at ya Jeans!! I cannot WAIT to see what you create with it and say Hi to DONNA for me I have SO scraplifted I mean used her books for inspiration a million times She rocks big time! OK I need to go see if these pizza rolls have anything Im allergic to in them Hubby had a cheesy grin when he served them to me. hehahaha. HAVE FUN!! KEEP SCRAPPIN or as bella says DEEP CRAPPIN!

OH YESSS!

I get to the dr today for all the preliminary stuffs and we are going over my list of questions I got from the site Elise gave me THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THAT it really helped called www.hystersisters.com and come to find out.. he pulls up my pap results AND THEY WERE NORMAL. THE LAB called me by accident AND IT WASNT EVEN THEIR LAB! IT was a mere coincidence that I had been to the gyno in the last few weeks WAS REALLY WEIRD. HE said OUR OFFICE calls NOT A LAB. I said well they said it was labtech or lab corb or corp with my results from my pabst smear and the results were abnormal I need to follow up with my ob/gyn His face fell he said NO NONONONO that wsa not us and he went over ita lla gain. SO THANK YOU GOD THAT wasnt me but I feel so sorry for the person that it was for that thinks they have a normal one and didnt receive that call they should have received. That is scary. SO that was my good news for today. Im anxious and ready to get this over with!

Amazing what a haircut can do for ya!

It is simply amazing just how much a haircut can make you feel better. I think I lost at least 5 lbs. Melissa swears my hair is coming back in THICKER than it did in the first place after I had those chemo treatments last year. Mind you THEY were NOTHING compared to what Cancer patients have to take this was a 1/4 dose maybe if that much equivelant. We looked back in the side effects and hair loss is a major one along with shingles and pneumonia WELL DUHHH. I guess the good lord blessed me with a HUGE amount of hair cuz mine didnt fall out like alot of other people i have talked to or we didn't notice because I have so much hair.... OH BUT NO I DID have shingles 3 times... TWICE on one side even. IT WAS CRAZY. My dr just shook his head. His carnote loves me. I just took my last dose of valtrex that is what made me think of it and the fact I got a hair cut..
I also got my eyebrows ripped out. AMazing how that makes you look so much better.. besides the fact I have these two HUGE equal signs that are red on my forehead..and on my eyelids but then again, I was starting to look like BERT on sesame' street so It was pretty painful. Melissa went on and on about how thick Bellas hair was. She was blessed with a GORGEOUS head of hair. BUT then again John and I both have thick thick hair as well. Poor kid she will know the term texturize before she is 4 years old.
We went to target afterwards. I was exhausted but I had to get some more of those blame mattress pads as I call them. GOOD LORD I think I will bleed to death before we get all this done. Not to mention my ice cream habit ( I REALLY GOT TO GET OVER THAT ONE) I am hearing others mention as well when they had cysts and endo and all this crapp I have, that they had severe cravings as well so I DONT feel quite as bad. I have been dying for ice cream with that topping that hardens when you pour it on.. NOT JUST chocolate but the as bella calls it CARMAMEYULL too. We have to have both cuz we are GIYULLS (girls) she is such a mess. I have been needing chocolate in the worse way to the point I would cry I needed it so bad. That is just sad. Well that is all for today. I got my viewpoints in tonight so Im working on that so maybe at least one project out of the way before I get the big cut. OH AND YOU WILL BE HAPPY TO NOTE I FINALLY GOT SOME ADHESIVE whehwhehww!! (pause for applause)

Sorry no major words of wisdom for tonight.. except for one...you didnt think I was gonna let you out of this without SOME kinda wise crack did you? I thought not! I will let Mr Mark Twain close my blog thoughts for tonight with this: NOISE proves NOTHING... Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she has laid an asteroid.... I will leave you alone to think on that one a minute... IT will come to you I promise ::wink::
See you tomorrow

Misery? Table for one?

AHHHh its finally here. WE got "THE DATE" the date that is THE date that will end all doubt if there will ever be another child in our future. I KNOW I KNOW what a silly thing to be contemplating right now with all I have wrong but .. Its so FINAL. The dr said IF your going to have more children NOW is the time. He gets back my labs... says OK you need a hysterectomy. Stage 4 endometriosis and precancer cells on the uterus... WoW.
You know this is something you think about all your life every month when you have to deal with "mr monthly" and all its horriblness. You wish you didnt have to do this or why cant I just have a hysterectomy...Man sometimes I wanna pick a bone with Eve when I get up to the gate at the garden of eden ya know.
It is part of what makes us a woman. It is what enables us to bring that sweet baby home from the hospital. I know this is the best thing and actually it is the ONLY thing that there is to do at this point. Not only will my over all health be better but it could actually end up saving my life depending on how bad it is when they get in there. But also this is supposed to keep my lupus in remission. THe study says my hormone levels are all out of whack (nooo you must be kidding me) and that it could be the end to medication and so many other horrors in my life. IT could be over. Wow... over. IT will be over. IT will be a new aspect of living It will be a new adventure it will be no more oh GOsh what is today's date.. do I have female products.. did I wait the appropriate 15 minutes before I jumped my hubby's bones... No more every month going please please no lord please I can't be pregnant Or oh please please please lord just let that stick turn blue. No more possibility. BUT so much freedom. No more wondering, No more fear of that pabst smear result saying what we now know to be true. abnormal results What is that about anyway.... PRE cancer cells of the uterus.... I feel like it is the marcing band coming up the road before th e the freak show. BUT ....NO more laying on the heating pad for days as I watch my little angel playing in my make up and feeling so crappy I dont even care that it was the last of my "good kind"
But add being able to play chase with my 3 year old.. to go to the park.. to go to the zoo OH TO go to the BEACH oh I wanna go with her to the beach... in the SUN and not worry about remissions and flare ups. So much of my life is passing me by right here in this bed wishing. I have this beautiful precious little girl GOd gave me this... why?! would I even think he wouldnt let this heal me? So ABOVE everything else I can be what I have wanted my entire life to be and not just normal I mean im so far past normal Im over that already.. but that is to be best wife and mommy in the whole wide world to the ones that I love more than life itself. My little girl and the man that gave her to me.
I want to be the best friend I can be to my friends. I want to be there for them as they are for me right now as Im going through all this. TO some this may seem like OH nothing "you will be fine my dear aunt so and so had this and that and blah blah" WELL let me tell you LET THEM PULL THAT KNIFE OUT AND AIM IT AT YOUR OVARIES and TELL ME YOU DONT RETHINK SOME CRAPP KWIM???!!! It will make you look at all the snarky, philosophical bs that goes on in blogs and the internet world and go Man get off your nail. People get upset and over react for many a reason but ya know in the grand scheme of things when it comes down to it just talking to the other person and not jumping to conclusions can mend many a broken heart if your strong enough to do it. IT takes a STRONG person to humble and try to mend a fence. ANd sometimes even worse if you see two people who were the best of friends and now they are at each others throats over a misunderstanding, you say something thinking it will make the person rethink their stance or at least talk to the other one and the person goes off into haitas again.. SO do you say omg get mad and reply with something worse, pray hard for this person cuz GOD KNOWS if this is their attitude they have in life THEY NEED all the good lords help they can get. Or try to convince them that ya know THERE ARE WORSE THINGS in the world. There are people out there fighting to stay alive that could give a crapp that you got your feelings hurt even though it means everything in the world to you right this second JUST like all I think of is having this surgery right now and staring at sad possibilities ,ANd if that doesnt make enough sense to you LET me break this down for you.

My favorite southern story My grandma used to tell us. ITS about this DOG layin' on a nail. THe dog just HOWWWLLLS and HOWLLLS and whines all day everyone walks by the dog and pats it on the head. finally someone asks the old man sitting on the porch whats wrong with that there dog why does he yawl like that all the time. THe old man replies OH he would feel fine if he just got up off that nail he is layin on.. BUT if he did get off his nail a whole lot less people would pat him on his mangey head. DO I NEED TO EXPLAIN the Moral of that storY? IF your a little slowit means QUIT YOUR WHINing and get off the nail already. PEople get tired of hearing anyone whine. Nothing is going to be solved while your still layin on that nail. Unless the company that YOU keep LOVES misery. DING DING... Your table is ready.

I wanted to give a shout out today to the muse girls, Thank you for raising my stats today!

In other news still calling insurance company today. IT Is to the point of ridiculous. John called and they told him a completely different story they dont know why there is a 500.00 difference..... SO he is going to call the dr office again this afternoon. Maybe he can get somewhere with them. I keep getting the chic's voice mail. I hate that! SO we still don't know anything. I am so ready to get this over with. There are so many other things in life to get on with than to have to fool with such garbage. WEll I am off to go relax a bit before Bella bug comes barrelling in.

check out my pub page

Check out www.scrapstreet.com and see if you recognise a cute little girl on page 2 swimming :)
I have several toots to come up later (is that not THE MOST EXCITING THING TO SAY!!) I am up to number 6 in the last few weeks!!!! WHO would have ever thought!! (not me) Ok I will try to contain my excitment! Im ready for the goods to start rollin in AINT Nothin better than gettin box's of goodies. Stupid med is having adverse reaction and Im wired to the gill.. HOW much does that el sucko.

So what are you doing right now? Besides reading my boring blog? HUH HUH? shouldn't you be working or something? That is ok I am happy you are here reading this. So now get up and do the happy dance with me WHEHWHEHEW I got pub'd I hope hope hope I can get out today (I still need that dang adhesive) Hubby laughed when I asked him to go by and pick it up. So I guess I will just have to keep using this crappy kind until I feel well enough to get out. ::sigh:: that is ok I bet I can get it online and have them shipt it (LIGHTBULB) I KNOW I can order it online and have them ship it WHY DIDNT I THINK OF THAT! YOU are so smart THANKS! ciao~

borrrrrrinnnnggggggg

I AM SOOOOOO FRIGGIN BOREDDDDDDDDDDDD! but I can say WOW I have more toots rolling in. SO exciting to see! I will tell you more about that later I am so excited I needed some good news today!
On the homefront I have held my bed down all day today I still feel burning in my arms from the meds they gave me. Every time I get up hubby shoves another pill in my mouth and says go back to bed. GEE aint he sweet lol WEll the dr said more rest the better and the less active I am maybe it will stop the bleeding. IM so ready to get this over with but every time I look up they keep saying OH we have to do this and this im like OK ALREADY hook up the hoover grab your exacto and lets do this! NO time like the present. I mean geez! Im ready to do it myself people!!! I want to scrap I want to feel better so lets get on with this. I have so many t hings waiting to get done until after this so Im just anxious Oh yeah did I mention patience is not one of my great attributes? ::sigh::